angry.

You guys, I'm really, really angry.  I'm also very sad.  My friend Jen birthed her baby at only 16 weeks, 5 days early Sunday morning.  Jen is mom to the wonderful Dibits, and also previously had an early miscarriage some years ago.  I have spent hours over the past few days shaking my fists at God for allowing this.  Now, notice I didn't say God caused this.  That's not His style, you know.  But ever since humanity went from perfectly created sinless beings to creatures in a broken relationship with God, our bodies haven't worked as they were designed to all the time.  Babies die before they're on the outside, sweet-as-pie grandmothers get cancer, healthy kids are born to parents that don't want them.  Life isn't perfect any more, and (even though it sounds bizarre to lots of people) I've accepted that as part of the covenant I became part of when Jesus took up residence in my heart. 

One of my favorite parts about being a follower of Jesus is that it's okay to be angry with God.  It's okay to ask questions of Him.  Believe me, one of the first ones on my lips as I enter Heaven's gates will be, "Why all those babies, Lord?"  And I hope I'll be able to understand His answers.  Currently, my earth-bound humanity prevents me from fully understanding one damn thing about Jen's baby, or Amy's baby, or anyone's loss(es).

(Please click on Jen's name above and leave your support for her on her blog.  She is ALWAYS there to uplift others in their times of need, and most richly deserves as much love as the internet can provide.)

xviii

This is one of those afternoons when the thought of adding any more children into this home makes me want to crawl into my bed and put my head under the pillow.  And so I have Henry at the table with his homework and Maria in her room with a book, (neither of these things was achieved without much wailing and gnashing of teeth) and here I sit to post.  Before I began, I decided it was time to listen to Peter, Paul, & Mary’s A Holiday Celebration album.  And then that makes me wish my sister was here to sing along, loudly, and in harmony.  Henry may have gotten a green day at school, but he surely has earned at least a yellow here at home this afternoon.  I probably have earned a red.  When is the principal coming to take me out of this class?  :)

today

7:01am    Eyes snap open, look at the clock.  Stretch, get out of bed, go to the bathroom, and head to the kids’ room.

7:05am    Rub Henry’s back and tell him good morning.  He does his typical rolling over onto his stomach in an attempt to stay in bed.  Maria is stirring, and I pick her up to realize the front of her pjs are wet from diaper wicking out the top.  I groan since our washer is broken, and this is just another pee soaked item to stink up the house until I get a chance to do laundry.

7:10-8:00am  Get Maria and Henry breakfast, set out their clothes, shower, and get dressed.  I shove down a grapefruit (too sour) while sitting at the table with Timon.

8:15am    Out the door with both kids.

8:20am    Drop Henry at school.

8:28am    Drop Maria at her caregiver’s house. 

8:35am    Meet Timon back at the church to give him ice for his work cooler.

8:40am-12:35pm    Settle in the office for the morning.  Clear out emails (and ok, Google Reader, too) (ok, and update my FB status, too), decide what the plan is for youth tomorrow night, pick praise band songs for the week and send the email to the band.

12:40pm  Walk home for lunch, realize just how bad the pollen has gotten (REALLY BAD, FYI). 

1:30pm    More work, this time reading some work materials.  Also deal with drama-filled work emails.

2:40pm    Realize the diapers MUST be washed today, laundromat is the choice at the moment.  Gather up those, plus another load to wash while I’m there.

2:43pm    Leave with laundry in back of car to get Henry from school, run into praise band member, discuss drama.

2:51pm    Get in car line, pick up Henry.  Go to Walgreens, pick up prescription for Henry, get cash to use at laundromat.

3:15-3:45pm   Arrive at Maria’s caregivers.  Henry is ushered into the kitchen for a massive snack, since they like to spoil our children (in the nicest possible way).  Chat for a while.  Leave with large hunk of cake in hand for tonight’s dessert.

4:00pm  Get to laundromat, obtain quarters, start diapers in one machine, clothes in another.  $1.75 for cold wash, $2.00 for warm or hot!  Pray that the necessary part for our washer arrives PRONTO, since who can afford the laundromat?!?

4:10-5:00pm  Observe older man who might just be folding laundry for the very first time, judging by his skill at it.  Feel sad because perhaps his wife has recently become unable to do the laundry after a lifetime of taking care of her husband.  Chase children around in futile effort to contain them at the laundromat.  Finally remember the stroller is in the car, get stroller, put Maria in stroller for Henry to push around the aisles.  Learn that despite my long-standing assertion that removing diaper inserts prior to washing is unnecessary, apparently some will not come out in the laundromat washer.  Discover this after both wash cycles have completed and we’re getting ready to leave.  Decide they’ll get fully clean next time.

5:15pm    Get home, see Timon is already home, am thankful for the help bringing everything (including large hunk of cake) in the house.  See he’s already done the breakfast dishes and thank him as profusely as is possible with the level of fatigue I experience.  Put diapers in the dryer, which currently works.

5:20-6:40pm   Prepare, eat, and clean up from taco night dinner.  Get Maria dressed and diapered for bed, not planning to put her straight to bed at 7 but she comes out of her room saying “nigh nigh” to her daddy, and walks back over to her bed.  Refuse to look a gift horse in the mouth, and put her to bed.

7:00pm   Post to the photoblog.  Watch the Rays’ lineup get introduced.  Watch the beginning of the game while typing about my day.

7:36pm  Type these words.

A look into the future:
7:50pm   Consume part of large hunk of cake.

9:00pm   Change channel to LOST, during commercials rotate between Rays game and UCONN women’s basketball attempting to win the NCAA championship (they’ve got pretty good odds). 

10:00pm  Change channel to USA, watch Vincent D'Nofrio’s last episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent.  During commercials rotate between basketball and Rays (if they’re still playing).

11:00pm  BED, no matter who the heck is still playing whatever.

because we’re a touch off in the head…

…Andrea and I took Henry to the Magic Kingdom on Monday. INSANE CROWDS. Don’t do it during this week of the year, if you’re given the choice. Anyhow, we had a lot of fun despite all the other people. The key is to not plan on getting a whole lot in on a day like that. We got there at 11:30ish and left around 3:30ish, and only rode one ride. BUT! Here’s what else we did:

We entered the property through the Grand Floridian Resort parking lot so we could see this amazing giant gingerbread house inside the lobby area. It was really amazing and if you look through the window you can see the cast member inside. Also in the lobby was this gorgeous giant Christmas tree – for size reference Andrea is on the right with Henry, she’s 5’ 1&1/2”.

Andrea, having spent several years of her life that she’ll never get back practically living in the Magic Kingdom as a manager in Tomorrowland, knows her way around pretty speedily. So after catching the monorail from the GF into the park, we took ourselves over to the Buzz Lightyear ride, obtained our Fast Passes to come back just over an hour later, and then took an empty out of the way path so that we could hit up Mickey’s house. We waited for about 20 minutes and then Henry got to meet these lovely characters:

After this we decided to find somewhere to eat lunch – the Harbor House was our choice and after enjoying that lovely experience we headed back around Cinderella’s Castle (A probably too-long aside: where for some reason, parents are okay with spending $50-$190 to give their child a “Princess Makeover” including bizarre hairstyle, glitter spray, tarty makeup, and costume with uncomfortable looking shoes. We saw probably 30 little girls made over in this way and I thought it looked terrible, plus without fail, the girls looked MISERABLE. To be fair, we also saw lots of girls whose parents have retained some rational sense and allowed their daughters to wear a princess dress over a turtleneck and jeans with sneakers so they can walk further than 100 yards. Anyway…) and made it over to Buzz’s ride, where Andrea kicked our butts shooting aliens but Henry beat me. I can’t imagine why Andrea might be an expert at this ride. When we got off, we glanced over and THERE HE WAS. So we got in a short line to meet the Space Ranger.

Following that very exciting rendezvous we headed back towards the center of the park to get good seats and wait for the Christmas parade.

We found wonderful seats without issue and hung out there for about an hour, enjoying ice cream and some other fun activities:

After we had the joy of seeing and hearing two GROWN ADULTS behind us argue over who was going to sit where to watch the parade, it got underway. And it was lovely- lots of sights and smells (!) and music and fun. Andrea had a (probably against policy) shout-out from a former cast member of hers, and we eventually got to see the big guy:

The weather was gorgeous, and it was really a fun day. The night before, Henry and I had left home mid-afternoon to head over across the state. We had dinner with Andrea & Frank and then they took us to Hollywood Studios (apparently that’s what they call MGM now) and saw the dancing Christmas lights and even a little snow. I took some neat pictures. Of course I can’t show them to you, because my memory card, containing over 1000 photos that I had not yet dumped, decided to have a little hissy-fit and refuse to work. I had to reformat it and lost all my photos. Lesson learned. I borrowed a card for the day at the Magic Kingdom and slowly got over the heart attack of losing all those pictures. The important thing is that Henry had a blast!

tender-hooks (tenter-hooks? whatever.)

That's how I feel these days. I wait for the other shoe to drop, the ax to fall, the stuff to hit the fan. Right now my attorney is handling the traffic ticket, the insurance is (I hope) handling the property and bodily injury liability claims. My body is in a constant state of tension. Occasionally my mind allows itself to function normally, like a person who is capable, cheerful, and not in a CONSTANT STATE OF PANIC. But then I move my body and it all comes flooding back. The lights, the van in front of me, the BAM of the Cadillac hitting me. I relive my last lawsuit, remember the day I got served with papers the day after Christmas on our way out the door to the airport demanding $200,000 of me. I can't come through THE INTERSECTION in the same direction as I was going that night, not even when someone else is driving.

Yes, I've talked it out with people - OVER AND OVER until if I have to tell the story one more time I'll shriek. Yes, I practice deep breathing, relaxation and prayer. Yes, I've taken more Unisom than I'd like in an effort to sleep more deeply and restoratively. (Never more than 2-3 times a week.) Yes, I have a feeling it's going to take a very long time to feel free of the fear and anxiety that's taken root.

We went to a soul-rocking concert on Saturday night. I've been glad to listen to this song on repeat since then. All I need is a sunrise, just a moment of dawn.



(I know my more emotional posts really make some of you, if you're still here, uncomfortable. I won't say I'm sorry about that.)

keepin’ it real – update edition

Want that oh-so-hot look you had in middle school when you tried to cut your own bangs, and they came out uneven, so you just kept on trimming? Until practically nothing was left?

Try Post-partum Hair Loss! It’s awesome!

Amy, I cannot even imagine the tumbleweeds that will be floating around your apartment a year from now with your amazing volume of terrifically curly hair. Despite all that – you’re about to have the time of your life. I’m so thrilled about your teensy little person.

Jesus, save me (or, keepin' it real) *updated*

I just saw an article titled "Officials Fear Python Invasion" and subtitled "20 Foot Long Snakes Travel 1.6 Miles Per Day."

If you're looking for me, I'll be sitting on my roof.

*update: I have approximately 187 days before they get here at that rate of travel. I have now resumed breathing normally.

keepin' it real vol. 4

The other day, I thought to myself, "Man, it would really be nice to go on a beach vacation right now."

Don't worry everyone, no need to form a line... I went ahead and slapped myself across the face several times.

keepin' it real, Valentine's Day Edition

Happy we-really-should-celebrate-love-every-day-but-I-guess-we'll-do-it-up-special-today Day! We had a big day around here, with Henry getting to not only sit in a firetruck and police cruiser (the front!) but also a medivac helicopter at a local support-the-troops event... I got to sing with my friends (in between coughing fits, that is - this crud is tenacious!)... and then tonight our church offered free babysitting from 5-9. Timon and I took advantage of that, dropped the kids off and went out to a lovely dinner.

Then we came home and swept and mopped the whole house. Just keepin' it real - and keeping the romance alive. What did you all do today?

K.I.R.

Hey folks, it's that time again - time to Keep It Real. Transparency is good for the soul.

And gee, it looks like it might be laundry day! This is evidenced by the outfit Maria is wearing - cloth diaper & cover, Ralph Lauren onesie (thanks, godmother Amy!), Walmart hoodie, leggings and socks. Why not pants or a dress on this chilly Florida day (otherwise known as a balmy, lovely day in the rest of the country)? Because they're all dirty. She spit up on her last clean full ensemble as I was putting it on her this morning.

Also Keepin' It Real: Looks like I'm not the only one going bald around here:

I'm very sad about Maria's hair loss - only slightly due to vanity; I do want my little girl to have cute hair. It's mostly because she grew this hair when she was on the inside of my body, and losing it's just one more step on her way to being independent from me. She's growing up too fast, and I don't have to like it.

keepin' it real

Welcome to this week's edition of Keepin' It Real. I hope for Keepin' It Real to become a regular feature. Transparency is good for the soul. Plus, I don't want you to keep thinking I'm perfect. 'Cause I'm sure you all were.

I grew up in a New England state where it's definitely winter 4 months out of the year; was college educated in Virginia, where it's definitely winter 3 months out of the year, and now I live in Florida, where it's definitely winter ZERO months out of the year. It's about 47 degrees this morning, and to my shame, I am wearing this, because I feel COLD:

Also to keep it real: one of my bald spots. Thanks, Postpartum Hair Loss!