just when you thought you'd seen it all

So..... today's been unusual for a couple of reasons. Not only did Henry sleep until 7:40 this morning (an hour longer than normal), but I had a threat made against my life as well. What???

This morning at Vacation Bible School I noticed that one of the youth was wearing a pair of sunglasses that had been used as a prop for a photo earlier in the week. I had left them upstairs on a table in the church, and this young person - we'll call him Junior -had been upstairs last night for youth group. I went upstairs and double-checked that the sunglasses were in fact gone, and discovered that they were. So, I went back downstairs and pulled him aside to call him on what he'd obviously done. Junior gave the glasses back, but had nothing to say, even when I told him that doing what he'd done was a slap in the face of all the people of our church that have bent over backwards for him MANY times. I also told him that this means I was going to have to watch him from now on. He took off, cussing (barely) under his breath. About 5 minutes later, he came back in, which was fine - I had not told him to leave entirely. He went into another area where some more youth were hanging out and said, "I'm gonna mess her up.", and raised up his shirt to show them the handle of a gun (are you all FREAKING out?!?). He said, "I'm gonna kill her." The other kids asked Junior who, and he said my name. During this I was in the other room realizing that his presence was just going to be more trouble than I wanted to deal with, so I came to find him to ask him to leave. He did, cussing and talking crap all the way. I went and found the other youth, just to tell them that this boy was no longer allowed to be at church today, and they told me what he'd said and what he showed them.

Now, I should tell you that I never really believed that Junior would actually shoot me, even if he did have a real gun. He runs his mouth like a pretend tough guy all the time, and lies easier than anyone I know. But even so I felt like the police ought to be involved. So I called, and after about 8 or 10 minutes a cruiser pulled up. He took my statement and information, as well as the kids who heard and saw what the boy was up to. Later, he came back and showed me what he confiscated from Junior. I want you to figure out which of these two items is real, and which is fake.

Now, it's no secret that I despise the availability of guns in this country - it's far, far too easy for any old yahoo to get his hands on one (or many) if they want one bad enough. The wack-jobs in the NRA who have perverted the 2nd Amendment of our Constitution in order to justify and provide for the gun manufacturers disgust me. (Take note - I DO NOT BELIEVE that every gun owner is a bad person, or that just because you might own a gun means that it might be used for something criminal.) But can you all believe that one of those pictures is of a "Pellet Gun?" This is what the boy today had in his waistband. If you can't tell the difference, you're not alone. The police officer went to the boy's home to talk with him. He told him what we'd said, and Junior gave him some song and dance about how I'd pissed him off. The officer was good - he talked Junior into showing him what he'd had in his waistband, and he turned it over. It was a "toy" gun, one that looked exactly like the 2nd picture above. The top picture is a real gun, one carried by all the police officers in our city. The bottom picture is of a toy pellet gun that you can get online for less than $15. When the officer was showing it to me, he pointed out many features that make this toy more than resemble an actual weapon. He said that if anyone pulled this out and pointed it when any police officer was around, that person would be shot dead. In 17 years in law-enforcement, he'd never seen such an accurate copy of a gun.

So, my life was never in real danger, as I'd thought. But I'm so scared for this kid. If he got one of these fakes, he can get another. And who knows who Junior will show it to next, who won't be as skeptical as I was about his threat. That person might have the real thing, and then tragedy will strike. I was so happy that the police officer took the other youth aside when he came back and showed them the fake gun, told them the consequences of pulling that gun on anyone, and also made sure they knew that if they saw something like that, we should never assume it's a fake. We should assume it's real, and get away. He also congratulated them effusively for telling me what they heard and saw. I am so proud that these three did the right thing.

Hopefully the rest of the day will be less exciting than this. Who knows? Henry could nap 'till 5 pm.

the end of an era

Join us in saying farewell to Old Faithful, Timon's 1988 Mazda 626. There's an incredible story - seriously, a not-to-be-believed-story, surrounding the final goodbye to this car... I won't share it now - it's too fresh. Maybe someday.

He's had this car since 1997, and it had over 240,000 miles on it. Timon never had to replace the engine or even the clutch, even after I learned to drive manual transmission on this car. (Okay, so I stalled out so much he had to replace the starter, but in the scheme of things, that's not so bad.) We had high hopes for this car - either that we'd own it long enough to register it as an antique or that we'd somehow keep it for Henry. Another suggested plan was to just get in, and start driving west until it died a natural death, only stopping to fill it with gas and oil as needed. However, we were a bit concerned that we'd get all the way to California and have to turn around and come back - that it would never, never die. And so, Timon made the decision to donate the car and cut the ties. Never mind that it wasn't a great beauty. Never mind that only 2 of the doors worked. Never mind that the tires would go flat every two weeks or so. Never mind that there was no power steering or air conditioning. The cassette player (it may as well have been an 8 track) had long since given out, and we were down to one functioning speaker (unless you were fortunate enough to hit a bump at just the right velocity, in which case the other one would kick in). It wasn't always that way, and for our first year of long-distance dating, this vehicle made the marathon 12 hour runs from Alabama to VA more times than we can remember, and did half that distance many times the next year. This car is a big reason why Timon and I were able to stay together during those years. I called it "The Beast" a lot, and for that I feel bad. We're thankful for our new (to us) car, and for the cool comfort it allows with its functioning air-conditioning. But the Mazda will remain legend for a long time to come.

what i know for sure

Y'all ever read "O"? The Oprah magazine? Normally I think Oprah is a big ole' phony. (Seriously, have you seen the "Oprah's favorite things" show? It's un-frickin-believable.) But, she has this column at the end of the magazine in which she imparts to us little people the grand truths she has discovered along her life's journeys. And in honor of my year of blogging, I'd like to share with you some things I've discovered in the past year that I know for sure.

1. Don't assume you can make it to your next grocery store trip with only 3/4 roll of toilet paper. You can't.

2. When "Little Einsteins" is on, don't try to speak to my son. He is completely hypnotized.

3. There are A LOT of mothers who blog out there. Most of them post well-written interesting essays and adorable photos on their sites. Some REALLY need to go back to 10th grade English with Mr. Krom and get those grammar rules. PLEASE, people! LEARN HOW TO CORRECTLY USE THE WORDS ITS AND IT'S!!

4. Never underestimate how nice you'll feel when your house is the cleanest it's (See that there? The word "it's" stands for "it has". Notice the correct usage.) ever been.

5. It really is kinda funny when your little boy discovers tooting, and how it cracks him up as well.

6. You can buy a lot of expensive toys, or get them as gifts, but your kid is still gonna play with the box it came in or the paper that once wrapped it.

7. The value of baby sign language goes far beyond the cute "look what my genius boy can do!" factor. FAR beyond.

8. Shower curtain liners do not, in fact, come in one size only. Sometimes, like when you buy them at Big K, they are a foot and a half too narrow.

9. As much as you will want to save every single piece of "artwork" your almost three year old ever creates at school or church, the volume of this material will quickly obscure any efforts at cleaning and straightening you attempt. (see number 4)

10. I know FOR SURE that the proper contraction form of "you all" is y'all, NOT ya'll.

11. God's ways are a mystery sometimes. Thank goodness He knows way better than I do about all things, otherwise I'd go nuts trying to explain the unexplainable.

12. And most of all, I know for sure that God sent His Son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, born of a virgin, laid in a manger, raised by a carpenter, persecuted and put to death by mankind, raised from the dead, ascended to heaven - to save me, you, and every single person alive (and who has ever lived or will ever live) from the darkness of sin and death, and to welcome us into the best kind of eternal relationship, the glory of which we cannot begin to conceive.

the greatest story ever told. ever.

Dear Readers... because my life has been devoid of blog-worthy inspirational stories this week, I have resorted to stealing. It's more like borrowing, really. But because the source of this story is an invitation-only blog, and because it's looking less likely that a magazine containing this story will ever be published, I have copied and pasted, just for you special people. What follows is solely attributed to Mr. X, with not even the slightest change from the original post. Even though I really wanted to proofread it and make changes, I didn't. I really wanted to. But only because I'm anal I care about good writing. I hope you enjoy it and that it makes your day even better than it already is. You're welcome!

When i pulled over to take this picture there was an older gentleman in front of the mission. Minding my own business I took my shot and walked back to my car. The older man, curious, called to me. I pretended not to hear him. He called again and I turned around to see a man using a walker to get over to me. I stopped. He was in a hurry to see me. He would have gotten to me faster if he had been using both hands on the walker. Of course to yell "Sir, Sir" he had to cover the hole in the tube in his neck. This made it a lot harder to walk and talk at the same time. Eventually he made it to me. "Why were you taking a picture of my sign?" I replied "I thought it was funny". This is where the story gets strange. I let him know that I was taking a picture of the sign because I thought it was funny. He said "I am a knife distributor..and I have inventory to sell". At this point he seemd a little miffed. I told the man that there was no judgement coming from me, I simply thought that it was funny that a mercy mission was advertising it's great selection of knives. "You know son..I never thought of it that way..maybe it is funny". He went on to tell me that he was the pastor of this church and that he was questioning me because one of his preachers had been relieved of his duties recently for "doing harm to his parishners". He wasn't sure if this was some sort of "legal" picture taking. I assured him it was not. This man had one more surprise for me. This man,a stranger really, put his hand on my shoulder and said "Son let me pray with you"."I don't want you to leave here thinking I had anger for you in my heart" We prayed and he sent me on my way. I love Alabama.


***********

It's me again. Now, aren't you glad you read that story? I know, the actual Greatest Story Ever Told is pretty much the tops. But wasn't that one up there good, too? I told you it would be!

ah, dimi

The silver-haired bus driver, Dimitri, became legend. The sharply-tongued guide, Loula, became the subject of either rolling laughs or raging vitriol. For example, as was overheard on the bus one afternoon:
"So, Loula, you never say 'the grecian people'?"
"No, is Greeks."
"Never grecian?"
"No. Never."

Our feet trod as Paul's on the cracked marble of Corinth, Phillipi, and Athens. Our eyes gazed at the jail cell, the Bema, Mars Hill, and ancient basilicas. These places are OLD, people.

For the most part we walked unperturbed, wearing the most modern of footwear, among fallen columns and walls, sitting down for reflection on a 2000 year old foundation or using the latest digital technology to capture an image of ancient carvings on a broken floor. As much as we tried to immerse into the old, the new continued to surface. At least that's what I thought when 6-year-old Max laid out his Pokemon cards on the ruins of the entrance wall to Phillipi's altar area. Pokemon is not native to Greece, nor is blond hair, nor even hummus, as it turns out.

The national pride will astound. The shunning of modernization by the older generations will amaze. But the glorious sight of those mountains by the turquoise sea will never leave your mind.

Until, of course, you spot Dimitri.

what ith yo query

I have just one question for you, Justin Timberlake... Where, exactly, did "sexy" go? (well, actually it's a few questions) Were "repulsive" and "awkward" getting too popular, so much so you felt urged to singlehandedly bring "sexy" back? How do you plan to bring "sexy" back? Will you just go around, being sexy, and hanging out with other sexy people? Or is there some sort of petition you're asking people to sign, signifiying their support for the return of "sexy"? I am really looking forward to the results of your efforts and I hope you'll let me know how my friends and I can help. "Hideous" and "swarthy" have had it far too easy in recent years.



*****
re: the title of this post - Remember "The Ladies Man" on SNL? It was funny, and that's how Leon Phelps would have said what's your question. Maybe I've explained it too much and it's no longer funny. What a shame.

from my dad...amen.

Some of you may not know that our old, faithful family pet, Tosca, has been ailing lately. Today we made the painful, but necessary and humane decision to have her euthanized. For the past few days she has been unable to stand up on her own, and walked with great difficulty - and she had stopped eating. This is something we knew would happen ever since she had been diagnosed with Cushing's disease, an adrenal gland disorder that affects many older dogs. But even though we knew it was an eventuality, we still were not ready.

This afternoon we took her to kind Dr. Kellogg at the Winsted Hospital for Animals where he gave her a shot that put her to sleep. After he told us that her heart had stopped beating, we brought her home and buried her out in the yard that she had enjoyed for her 16 1/2 years.

A gentler, more affectionate, funny and intelligent dog we could never have hoped for when we adopted her from the Animal Rescue Foundation in 1990. She will long be remembered with love and good memories.

uncooked

I stopped to get one plain, old-fashioned cake donut today, basically the most boring and healthy (as far as donuts go) donut you can get. I didn't eat it for an hour cause I was busy. When I bit into it, the center wasn't cooked all the way! And it's inconvenient to go back and get another or get my 79 cents back. What a gyp.