angry.

You guys, I'm really, really angry.  I'm also very sad.  My friend Jen birthed her baby at only 16 weeks, 5 days early Sunday morning.  Jen is mom to the wonderful Dibits, and also previously had an early miscarriage some years ago.  I have spent hours over the past few days shaking my fists at God for allowing this.  Now, notice I didn't say God caused this.  That's not His style, you know.  But ever since humanity went from perfectly created sinless beings to creatures in a broken relationship with God, our bodies haven't worked as they were designed to all the time.  Babies die before they're on the outside, sweet-as-pie grandmothers get cancer, healthy kids are born to parents that don't want them.  Life isn't perfect any more, and (even though it sounds bizarre to lots of people) I've accepted that as part of the covenant I became part of when Jesus took up residence in my heart. 

One of my favorite parts about being a follower of Jesus is that it's okay to be angry with God.  It's okay to ask questions of Him.  Believe me, one of the first ones on my lips as I enter Heaven's gates will be, "Why all those babies, Lord?"  And I hope I'll be able to understand His answers.  Currently, my earth-bound humanity prevents me from fully understanding one damn thing about Jen's baby, or Amy's baby, or anyone's loss(es).

(Please click on Jen's name above and leave your support for her on her blog.  She is ALWAYS there to uplift others in their times of need, and most richly deserves as much love as the internet can provide.)

winter snow

It’s finally cooled off here, hopefully for the rest of “winter.”  Enjoy this gorgeous song along with me, will you?

we laughed, we cried, etc.

In case you need a good cry, listen/watch this song by Steven Curtis Chapman.  His daughter was killed in an accident last year.  Her name was Maria.  This song pierces me and scares me and gives me hope and it's gorgeous. 

Now, if laughs are all you're after, check this one out.  This video reveals aspects of my children's personalities that are very interesting. 

smacked

I've been smacked right in the face by a few things lately. 

No, not by hands or doors or tree branches (although one did try to grab a hunk of my hair yesterday walking Henry home from school).

Stories I've experienced lately have just whacked me out of my senses - stories of birth (Nella Cordelia), healing (NieNie), and amazement; last night we watched From The Earth To The Moon, episode four.  Did you know that during their radio transmission after the astronauts on Apollo 8 rounded the moon for the 9th time, they read the story of creation from Genesis?  It just smacked me, right in the face. 

I guess I don't expect these stories to smack anyone else.  But I had to share, in case you run into these things and get smacked too.

first world

Along with my job come some interesting opportunities – today I was asked to run dvds and powerpoint for a Mission Study on Sudan for the women’s group at the church.  Several other church’s women’s groups were there as well.  I’ve read a book about the Lost Boys of Sudan before and was pretty familiar with just how horrific the situation is and has been there for essentially forever.  Barnabas, one of the Lost Boys, lives in the northern part of our county in community with about 20 other refugees and came to speak to us.  I kept thinking how amazing it was that one of these people I’ve only read about in abstraction and who survived such insane conditions was standing in front of me, looking healthy and having accomplished so much.

Meanwhile across the room there was a woman from another church who’d been clearly perturbed all morning at each woman who didn’t use a microphone properly.  She’d been making faces and huffing and puffing at these poor ladies.  I just kept thinking what a first world “problem” this was to be upset about.  So, to sum up, it reminded me of this quotation I read some time ago, from preacher Tony Campolo (he used to occasionally open sermons this way):

"I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a s--t. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said s--t than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night."

christmas

This article is so fantastic, I just had to link to it for you, dear reader readers. It's exactly what I was thinking.

wait, what?

I hinted a bit ago about some work changes what were coming up, and they came up a bit sooner than expected. Most of you know that I work full time already at our church as Director of Youth and Young Adult Ministries and Office Assistant. (Could I HAVE a longer job title? APPARENTLY. Read on.) It's been hard, wonderful, challenging, rewarding, and interesting work for over 5 years. Originally our Contemporary Worship Leader was going to be moving on at the first of the year, but he decided to move that up and make Nov. 22 his last day with us. My pastor and boss, PC, had asked me some time ago if I would be able to move into that position and I said yes. I have been singing with the praise band for about 6 years and have long wanted to participate in additional ways within the worship service. I don't get any pay for this work and right now, it doesn't even matter - I am already stretching and growing in ways that are priceless after only 2 Sundays in this gig. The only problem: getting my entire job title out before I run out of breath. I should just tell people that my official position is That Girl Who Does Lots Of Stuff.

fifth

THANKS to my sister-in-law Amy for answering the call for questions so that I'd have something to post!

What were you doing 10 years ago at this point in your life?

Let's see... 10 years ago, I was in the midst of student teaching in my last year of college. I was teaching middle school band at a great school in northern Virginia. My mentor teacher was very experienced and very good at his job. I guess it speaks to how he thought of me and trusted his classes to me that he took A LOT of sick days that year. I was essentially an unpaid sub, although the school had to hire an official sub to sit in the room with me while I taught the kids. It was a great experience. I could have stayed there to work the following year - the assistant band director was retiring and they told me they'd have hired me. Too bad I was moving south to be with my man...

Did you expect to be where you are now?

NO! If you'd told me while I was student teaching that I'd have been away from teaching music for these past 9 years, that I'd be a YOUTH PASTOR of all things, I'd have scoffed! God has surprised me with every move he's made in my life and I fully expect him to continue to do so. I am not surprised that I'm married with children. I am SHOCKED that I live in Florida and have for the past 6 1/2 years! I am not a fan of heat! Why do I live here?!?

If there is something major in your life that you could do differently what would it be?

I wish I would have saved money more when I was younger and single. Realizing that even though we've worked REALLY FREAKING HARD at eliminating all our debt and building up our savings over the past 4 years, it might all disappear due to some upcoming events that I can't really go into here is making me so mad. If I'd been this disciplined earlier in my life, we might not be in as tight a spot as we are now. OR, I'd have been more studious in Math and Science, since all of the sudden I've found myself wanting to someday become a Certified Nurse Midwife - but I know much of the coursework would be very difficult for me. Much more importantly, I wish I had spent more years following Jesus with my heart and life. I'm eternally glad God is so welcoming to sinners and those with hard hearts.

atlantafest

Taking the youth group to Atlantafest, a Christian music festival held at Stone Mountain Park was a lot of fun… even when our fuel pump died in the hotel parking lot, just as we were loading in to head to lunch.  God gave us a hand by hiding the Chik-fil-A we were going to stop at on our way to the hotel (so we didn’t get stuck there); putting a Goodyear repair shop 2 doors down; keeping our other vehicle, an 8 passenger van in good working order; helping everyone remain patient; etc etc etc.

The bands were awesome, and the youth were almost always perfectly behaved.  What more can you expect from a bunch of teenagers, am I right?  We headed straight to the park after getting the van limped over to the repair shop, and enjoyed worship led by Fee, a new-to-us band who was awesome.  Then we were properly introduced to Leeland, who have taken the title of “MY NEW SECOND-FAVORITE BAND.”  Any guess of who’s my FIRST FAVORITE BAND?   I believe I’ve mentioned this before.  The night was capped off by Skillet, who aren’t always my thing – but at least the guy was sparkly. 

Day 2 we refined our routine and ate lunch before heading to the park.  We pulled up and were loading our chairs, cooler, and other flotsam in our arms when I heard the unmistakable dulcet tones of Mr. Marc Martel of my favorite band Downhere (duh) as they took care of their sound check.  They, too, had been cursed with van and trailer troubles and were probably exhausted, but you’d never know it.  We met up with them at their merch table before their praise and worship set, for as soon as they were done playing, they had to head to the airport and fly out west for a week or so.  I acted maturely and was able to make conversation instead of feeling like a total moron.  I’m sure you’re proud.

That night we were treated to a 90 minute kick drum solo set from Kutless.  I was rather confused by the lead singer’s choice of tight pants, long sleeve white button-down, and leather jacket, given the fact that it was SO SO SO HOT.  [as an aside, I waited each day to see which performer or speaker would use the names “Hot-lanta” and/or “ATL” – oh, I was not disappointed.]  At least some of us had fun dancing!

Day three we perfected our process, and found the place to where the shade would arrive first but would still give us a good view of the stage and screen.  It was great – we enjoyed each other’s company and the music.  The highlight of this evening was Family Force 5 – they are always so much fun.  And their attire was the SUPREME WIN of the whole weekend:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you’re having trouble catching that – they’re wearing denim knee-length shorts, white wife-beaters, mesh wife-beaters, gold belts, and golden football pads (also gold sparkly high-tops).  It was awesome.  The night ended with an incredible show by Casting Crowns, complete with candle-light.

I had a blast with the kids – who knew J could fit her entire fist into her mouth?  And guess what?  In 3 weeks we get to do it all over again!

the open skies proclaim the work of His hands

on the way home from the Kennedy Space Center, 05.15.09

Hate. Love.

Hate is a pretty strong word that names a very strong emotion. I catch myself using it carelessly - saying "Ooooh, I hate that!" when I'm talking about something minor and dumb. I have been thinking over the past month or so that I need to reserve it for the serious stuff - hopefully there aren't many occasions that truly warrant it. Today, sadly is one of them.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I hate that April 9th means anything more than it's the day after April 8th and the day before April 10th. I hate the powers and evils of drug addiction. I hate heroin. I hate how my cousin's life was cut short. I hate that his sister doesn't have a living brother. I hate that his parents lost their son. I hate that we didn't have more time. I hate that I wasn't a very good cousin and let distance and whatever else keep me out of contact. I hate that we're now 13 instead of 14 cousins. I hate that I have to clarify with Henry that I'm talking about his friend Gregory or my cousin Gregory in heaven. I hate that Amy and her parents or any of us that love Greg have to even think about, let alone LIVE, a lifetime without him.

The only thing to overcome hate is love. Love your family, friends, neighbors, enemies, and the strangers you meet, please. Do it today, and for the rest of your days- for only God knows how many they will number.

"More Love" - Dixie Chicks
I'm so close to you baby
But I'm so far away
There's a silence between us
And there's so much to say
You're my strength, you're my weakness
You're my faith, you're my doubt
We gotta meet in the middle
To work this thing out

More love, I can hear our hearts cryin'
More love, I know that's all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there's ever an answer
It's more love

We're afraid to be idle
So we fill up the days
We run on the treadmill
Keep slavin' away 'til there's no time for talkin'
About trouble in mind
And the doors are all closed
Between your heart and mine

More love, I can hear our hearts cryin'
More love, I know that's all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there's ever an answer
It's more love

Just look out around us
People fightin' their wars
They think they'll be happy
When they've settled their scores
Let's lay down our weapons
That hold us apart
Be still for just a minute
Try to open our hearts

More love, I can hear our hearts cryin'
More love, I know that's all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there's ever an answer
It's more love

warming up

I put in a CD a few minutes ago, one I haven't listened to in probably a year or so. I am singing along, coughing in between songs still, but it feels good to give these old vocal folds a decent workout. Sunday morning the praise band slammed a few of my favorite songs, but none were too challenging on my still healing throat. What a difference a few years makes - in May 2000, I stood terrified to sing my first and only vocal jury... stomach full of knots and palms leaving sweat prints on the curve of the piano as I hung on for dear life. I wasn't supposed to be a singer. Turns out I am one, and it feels good. Sunday will bring a solo, and I'm ready.

5 months/21 weeks, 6 days

This just cannot be. My baby who was born 5 minutes ago has suddenly reached the age of 5 months old. In honor of her 5 month birthday, I bought a really awesome camera and three different lenses. I am THRILLED to start learning more and taking much better photos - I'm sure you'll notice a difference. You might be asking, Hey, Maresi, what about that little tax problem of yours? Well, even if we owe a bit, there's enough left from my oboe sale to pay for my dream camera and my taxes. So there.

But I digress. Maria Katherine at 5 months can:

• ALLLLLmost roll over (see above - once that lower arm moves into position, she'll flip!)
  
• hold her head up for hours on end
• drain 6 ozs in no time flat
• giggle like crazy when you laugh at her or tickle her under her chin
• drool buckets
• screech like a howler monkey if you don't pay her direct attention
• not sleep without being swaddled (YES, STILL)
• grin really big when you greet her in the morning
• almost grab toys and eat them
• make every single person who encounters her fall in love
  
  

She is just so wonderful and perfect. I never thought we'd have another as awesome as Henry was and is - this just proves how great our God is. It has been very challenging trying to work and have her with me all the time (we do have a sitter that comes most Wednesdays in the afternoon); but I'm so glad we're doing it. This time with her will be so very, very short.

wishes

Here's a copy I made of Henry's letter to Santa before I sent it off. You'll see on one side he drew himself with his guitar next to the Christmas tree. Then on the other side he dictated a letter for me to write. I believe most of his Christmas dreams will come true. (click to enlarge)

We had a lovely candlelight service at church tonight. Lots of nice music (including two songs sung by yours truly). Right before we went up to light the advent wreath candles and do the reading, I realized Maria had loaded up her diaper. I took a peek and of course it had come out the edge onto the inside of her tights. I still had 2 songs to do after the reading, so after we were done I passed her off to Timon, who took her home for a change - that's one of the benefits of living across the street. Both Maria and Henry charmed the crowds, naturally.

Both kids are in bed (I expect one more feeding for Maria) and are waiting anxiously for Santa to arrive. We all are hoping that the world would remember that on this night, so long ago, a Savior was born in Bethlehem, who is CHRIST the LORD. Glory to God in the highest, on earth, PEACE. Merry Christmas, everyone.

twelve

Someday, in a little over a decade, I'll have at least two teenage children. I'll be in my *GASP* ...FORTIES.
1. I hope we'll own a home.
2. I hope we'll have a great church family.
3. I hope we'll live closer to some family members, or maybe, possibly, closer to some of our favorite people.
4. I hope that I will have finally read all of Dombey & Son.
5. I hope I'll have figured out what to do with my hair.
6. I actually hope I'll have some gray hair, so I can stop getting comments about how I look like a teenager.
7. I hope my children will honor God and their parents with their behavior and decisions.
8. I hope my husband and I will have continued to discover and delight in even more of each other.
9. I hope I'll have spent more time laughing than crying.
10. I hope downhere will have won a Grammy.
11. I hope more people will start filling their minds with good stuff, instead of junk.
12. I hope that more people in the world will have the opportunity and space to have hopes for themselves.

care to join me?

A while ago I wrote about my concerns with the upcoming Olympics and how to reconcile such an expenditure of billions of dollars (granted, it's being spent on a celebration of the good of humanity through sport) with the horrifying human rights atrocities still going on every day in China. Going back and forth on what I will do beginning this week has been on my mind. Knowing that the money's been spent, the games are going to take place and medals will be awarded regardless of whether or not I watch them makes any kind of boycott on my part basically pointless.

So, starting Friday night I'll watch, and I hope you'll join me in a different kind of action, one that I know for sure will make a difference:

(get yours by clicking here)

breaking news weather alert

Have you heard? Little Bertha is a tropical storm! We're so proud.

For a storm that's not going to come close to the U.S. coast, our local news weather is spending an awfully large amount of time covering the predicted path. Welcome to Florida's news, from June through November.

I'm sure my cryptic comment about not watching the Olympics this year has at least one person puzzled. I know this because someone left a comment expressing that very sentiment. I am very observant. Even I'm puzzled by my impulse about not watching. Anyone who knows me a little is aware that I am always eager to watch swimming competitions, and the Olympics are usually the only time that doing so is ever possible. I also just really love watching the Olympics, no matter what sport is on. I choke up at the human interest stories, I love medals ceremonies, and rooting for the home team is great.

I've been reading about the Chinese preparations for this year's Olympics - they're cleaning the place up and getting ready to put on a good show for the world. All host cities do this, of course. When I was in Athens in 2007 there were obvious signs that the city had been prepared for an onslaught of visitors. I just can't help but be concerned about how wretchedly many Chinese women and children are treated. My heart breaks for the Chinese Christians who are still forced to worship underground with one Bible to share between 20 families.

Believe me, I have no illusion that my not watching the Olympics is going to do anything to change these situations. It's just bizarre to watch millions (billions?) of dollars being spent on these games by the host country when many millions of their citizens are starving, babies are being abandoned, women are being forced to abort their unborn children against their will, and Christian leaders are being jailed for preaching the Gospel.

talking (okay, typing) it out

I am so terribly sorry for what you're about to read. I truly, truly wish that I had other things to be thinking and posting about. If you're tired of the sob story already, I'll understand if you close the page right now.

If you've stuck around then here goes: If possible, the pain is worse. Driving has become agony. I was in tears all the way to and from the OB's office today. I spent nearly my entire visit in tears. Just when I'd finally gotten myself together and was on my way out of the office, I ran into the sweet nurse who has been kind enough to listen to me when I request that my blood be drawn from my left hand only since any other spot leaves terrible bruising. She is also the one who returns the non-urgent calls to patients like me. She asked if I was okay and I lost it again.

I left the doctor with a confirmation of my SPD self-diagnosis. She gave me a prescription for Vicodin which is totally terrifying to me, despite her reassurances that it's safe. I also don't have a good track record with taking narcotics - Oxycodone left me completely NUTS, made me nauseated, and gave me 2 nights of insomnia. If that doesn't give me some good relief, we will probably explore some physical therapy.

I'm much more concerned with how this will affect the delivery of the baby - I will likely have limited birthing positions available vaginally, and although I was planning on avoiding it, an epidural might mask the pain to where I don't notice if I'm being positioned in a way that could cause serious damage to my pelvis. However, I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO NOT WANT A C-SECTION. (Please, I KNOW that women have them everyday and are FINE. I don't need to be reminded.) This is all stuff I'll have to work through emotionally as the next weeks go by. If you pray, and I hope you do, prayers for physical and emotional healing are really needed right now.

I want to end this by saying that my husband has been so amazing. He has washed every dish, done all of Henry's transportation, gotten up repeatedly to help me get up off the couch (just because I'm in pain doesn't mean my frequent bathroom trips are in any way reduced), rubbed my feet, held me while I cried, encouraged me to seek more medical attention than I would have on my own, and just generally been awesome, all while working full-time. I am not fun to live with right now, and I'm so blessed to have a man who has risen to his promise to me before God and our family and friends of "in sickness and in health."

to the godfather

Dear Chad,

About 4 years ago, through circumstance and the natural curiosity of those people who care about you in your former city, I reluctantly became your public relations officer in charge of answering any and all queries as to your well-being, employment status, and future plans. I hated this job, you know, because it only came into existence when you turned the page and started a new chapter. (Now, see how far I've come? Just 2 years ago I would have phrased that last bit simply as "You left us." Ah, progress and maturity.) What I couldn't see then was that God meant to restore you in ways that your friendship with us just couldn't, despite our desire and best efforts. And it took a while.

The most common questions I was asked regarding your statuses were:
"Is he going to seminary?"
"Is he still single?" and
"Is he doing anything with his art?"
I don't really care whether or not you ever go to seminary. I think you're effective enough of a witness to the life-changing power of JC without an official piece of paper stating your learnedness. We were hoping that you'd find love again, but knew it'd have to be truly ordained by God to even get your attention. We are so glad that it seems to have been taken care of.

Today, you answered the third question for all these curious folks - your birthday gift to your godson arrived. It's the finest thing I've seen in a long time (and I just saw my stomach move with a swift kick from the current resident of my uterus, so your gift is a really big deal).

(click to enlarge, and notice he included the new baby!)

Chad, we are so glad that you are still in our lives, bound by the handwritten godfather contract you created in a deli one afternoon over lunch. That last line of your poem reminded me of a sweet photo I took last summer during our too-brief visit:

We love you.
Timon, Maresi, Henry, and Baby

20-ish

Holy crap. I'm about halfway done cooking this baby! It's hard to believe. I'll tell you, the first 3 months d-r-a-g-g-e-d on endlessly, mostly because it included eternal waits between ultrasounds, holding our breath for the tragedy we thought was inevitable. After we let the news out, time has flown. I'm glad we're more relaxed now.

I saw the OB last Friday - it was the first time I'd seen this particular doctor since she (in the most compassionate way possible - seriously) told me I was probably miscarrying given the bleeding and low progesterone. I was glad to have a different experience with her, and if I could have a choice I'd probably pick her out of the three to deliver the baby. But who knows what will happen in September! My blood pressure was great, baby's heartbeat was nice and swooshy, and hey, I've lost another 2 pounds! I was sure I'd gained more than 2 but less than 5. "Normal" at 20 weeks is a weight gain of 8-14 pounds. I assure you, I'm eating, and I'm not getting sick. Baby is surely growing well given my expanded girth. This is similar to how it was when I was pregnant with Henry - I lost in the beginning and then put on 12 pounds in last trimester, which I'm sure a chunk of that was water since I was pretty swollen towards the end. I attribute it to Timon's superior metabolism taking over my body for the duration. Henry certainly takes after his daddy with the long and lean physique. I'll go back at the end of May for a regular appt., and then the fun glucose test takes place in June, along with the ultrasound to check the position of the placenta and HOPEFULLY find out who's in there.

Seriously, LadyB's new little boy, Oliver is super sweet. Go take a look and read her phenomenal homebirth experience. And when you've finished doing that, check out this video of the beautiful re-birth of Em, our newest sister in Christ. I tell you, there's some neat stuff out on the world-wide-interweb these days.