That's how I feel these days. I wait for the other shoe to drop, the ax to fall, the stuff to hit the fan. Right now my attorney is handling the traffic ticket, the insurance is (I hope) handling the property and bodily injury liability claims. My body is in a constant state of tension. Occasionally my mind allows itself to function normally, like a person who is capable, cheerful, and not in a CONSTANT STATE OF PANIC. But then I move my body and it all comes flooding back. The lights, the van in front of me, the BAM of the Cadillac hitting me. I relive my last lawsuit, remember the day I got served with papers the day after Christmas on our way out the door to the airport demanding $200,000 of me. I can't come through THE INTERSECTION in the same direction as I was going that night, not even when someone else is driving.
Yes, I've talked it out with people - OVER AND OVER until if I have to tell the story one more time I'll shriek. Yes, I practice deep breathing, relaxation and prayer. Yes, I've taken more Unisom than I'd like in an effort to sleep more deeply and restoratively. (Never more than 2-3 times a week.) Yes, I have a feeling it's going to take a very long time to feel free of the fear and anxiety that's taken root.
We went to a soul-rocking concert on Saturday night. I've been glad to listen to this song on repeat since then. All I need is a sunrise, just a moment of dawn.
(I know my more emotional posts really make some of you, if you're still here, uncomfortable. I won't say I'm sorry about that.)
Yes, I've talked it out with people - OVER AND OVER until if I have to tell the story one more time I'll shriek. Yes, I practice deep breathing, relaxation and prayer. Yes, I've taken more Unisom than I'd like in an effort to sleep more deeply and restoratively. (Never more than 2-3 times a week.) Yes, I have a feeling it's going to take a very long time to feel free of the fear and anxiety that's taken root.
We went to a soul-rocking concert on Saturday night. I've been glad to listen to this song on repeat since then. All I need is a sunrise, just a moment of dawn.
(I know my more emotional posts really make some of you, if you're still here, uncomfortable. I won't say I'm sorry about that.)
5 comments:
oh... i'm so sorry you're going through all this!!! praying for you!
Of course you shouldn't apologize for that. It's your space and anybody who doesn't like it doesn't have to read it!
I am sending you hugs. Wish I could hug you in person!
I strongly dislike feeling all unsettled like that. I hope it smoothes out for you soon.
Lots of love.
Sometimes I think whoever said "God never gives us more than we can handle..." was delusional. HE or WHOMEVER does in fact quite often give us more than we can handle, and it rough. Hang onto your family, friends and strangers for dear life, try to enjoy the good things, not concentrate on the bad, and remember God loves you and is walking with you despite the travails.
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